9 Reasons Dr. Ian Malcolm Is Superior To Dr. Grant in Jurassic Park
When I was a kid, I thought Dr. Grant was so cool. This was largely because I had a Jurassic Park video game on Sega Genesis where I got to play as Grant and kill raptors. I remember his hat and denim jacket and thinking this was awesome. On recent viewings of Jurassic Park, however, I have come to realize that Dr. Grant sucks. It is quite clear that Dr. Malcolm is the superior male doctor of Jurassic Park, and here are nine reasons why.
1. Dr. Malcolm Has Better Style
Yeah, ole Granty has that rugged look going on, conjuring some subliminal Indiana Jones vibes with that cool hat he always wears, even inside a stopped car. It’s true that he wears aviators pretty well. But a black leather jacket? Black pants? Black hair? Grant’s got nothing on that. Grant looks like a loser compared to Malcolm’s Johnny Cash look. Malcolm also wears a cool necklace and a ring. Grant just wears a red bandana.
2. Dr. Grant Traumatizes Kids For Fun
We pointed out that the Jurassic Park lawyer hates kids, which is part of why he sucks. It is fair to say that Dr. Grant also hates kids. Yes, there is the fact that Grant redeems his hatred for kids by saving Lex and Timmy and caring for them and stuff. But when it comes down to it, the damage is done. He may have helped these two kids, but he traumatized the hell out of that kid he threatened with a raptor claw toward the beginning. Remember that kid? Who comes to his paleontologist site and heckles Grant that the raptor skeleton doesn’t look very scary? Grant approaches the kid like a serial killer and slides the raptor claw along the kid’s abdomen, describing in Dahmer-ian detail how if a real raptor did this, the kid’s guts would spill out. The scene ends with the kid staring in horror at the black abyss of his traumatized future. Seriously, kids are really impressionable. This asshole thinks it’s okay to traumatize this kid for the rest of his life? Every time this kid hears the word “paleontology,” he’s going to have vivid flashbacks of his guts pouring out. Nightmares. Psychotic breaks. Decades of therapy. All because ole Granty had to stroke his big fat ego to try and impress Laura Dern. This item has nothing to do with Malcolm. It’s just a reason Grant sucks, and so by extension Malcolm is better.
Dr. Grant traumatizing a child by threatening him with a raptor claw.
3. Dr. Malcolm Is Better At Flirting With Laura Dern
Dr. Grant is such a cocky asshole that he appears to assume Laura Dern is in love with him through the first Jurassic Park. So when Malcolm smoothly flirts with Laura Dern by placing a drop of water on her hand in order to explain something about chaos theory, and Laura Dern is clearly enjoying his flirtatious energy, Dr. Grant gets all whiney like a high school loser and leaves the vehicle. Since Laura Dern is caring, she follows him to ease his hurt emotions. So, Dr. Grant essentially “cock-blocked” Dr. Malcolm. He doesn’t like Malcolm because Malcolm is clearly more attractive. He probably wants Malcolm to get eaten by a T-Rex, or killed by a dilophosaurus like Newman.
4. Dr. Malcolm Has A Better Laugh
Remember when Dr. Malcolm laughs on the plane ride? After he asks if Drs. Grant and Sattler dig up dinosaurs? And they reply really ambiguously, with Grant whispering, “Try to”? Dr. Malcolm then makes a noise that it’s hard to call a laugh. It sounds like some strange animal. And it’s amazing. Years after hearing it, I can hear it clearly in my head at any point I desire. Does Grant laugh at all during the movie? Or is he just a stone-faced asshole? Maybe he smiles a couple times, but it’s just to try and look all cool. Like when he acts like he’s getting electrocuted by the fence to trick the kids. Okay, that was a decent joke. But can’t you see how self-satisfied that smile is? Like he knows he’s so funny and awesome? Malcolm’s laugh is playful and rich. Grant’s smile makes him look like a bro.
5. Dr. Grant is a Cheapskate
“Good, this is good. Here we are in the worst place in the world and we're not even being paid.”
Dr. Grant says this in Jurassic Park 3 after William H. Macy and Tea Leoni trick him into flying to the island of dinosaurs to save their lost kid, Trevor Morgan. Grant doesn’t care about their kid — remember, he hates kids. Grant only cares about money. He’s cool with this kid dying more than he’s cool with not getting paid. What does he need money for? To buy more Indiana Jones memoribilia? Ian Malcolm isn’t concerned with money in Jurassic Park. He’s just concerned with human life and the fact that life will find a way and the dinosaurs will kill everyone.
6. Dr. Malcolm Has Prophetic Wisdom
Ian Malcolm is the one who predicts that even with all the dinos being female, they will find a way to reproduce. Grant doesn’t disagree, but he doesn’t agree either. Grant makes a few philosophical objections to Hammond’s park, saying something about “playing God.” But he’s not concerned in the ways Malcolm is. He’s probably just acting like he’s concerned because he knows Laura Dern is worried and wants her to think he’s a cool and moralistic badass.
7. Dr. Malcolm Likes Black People, and Dr. Grant Probably Doesn’t
In Jurassic Park: The Lost World, Ian Malcolm has a black daughter named Kelly. He loves her very much, and thus we can deduce he is not a racist. Kelly is quite a badass as well, and Ian Malcolm supports her badassness, as evidenced by her gymnastics move KOing the crud out of a raptor about to kill people. Dr. Grant never interacts with a black person. He doesn’t even interact with Samuel L. Jackson in the first Jurassic Park. While there is no conclusive evidence to determine that Dr. Grant is a racist, his lack of interaction with black people leads us to believe that is likely the case. There are no black people on his dig site in Montana. There aren’t even any Asian people. Okay, he interacts with Dr. Wu, but he’s a pretty condescending prick when he looks at Wu and says, “You breed raptors?” Dr. Grant is clearly a privileged white asshole who perpetuates dominant paradigms of white supremacy.
Kelly Malcolm Kicking Some Raptor Butt in The Lost World: Jurassic Park
8. Dr. Malcolm Was Also In Independence Day
Three years after Jurassic Park, Independence Day came out. Ian Malcolm played a central role in that movie, helping prevent devastation from an alien invasion. Again, he is concerned with humanity. Grant is nowhere to be seen in Independence Day. Where is he? Off trying to rip people off? More concerned with his dig sites than the fate of the human race? Still trying to pursue Laura Dern and not picking up the signals that she’d rather be with Malcolm? Whatever it is, it’s not in service of humanity and instead in service of Grant’s big fat ego.
9. Dr. Malcolm Shows Some Bod, And We’re Not Talking Dad Bod
If you got destroyed by a T-Rex and survived, what would you do? If you’re like me, you’d probably whine and tell everyone how close a call it was. If you’re Ian Malcolm, you’d lie back in a reclined position with your bronze bod bared, making wise cracks at folks like John Hammond, who really hates you. No victim mentality. No calling out for medical assistance. Just lying back like a Greek god, baring your brawn for the world to behold. It’s enough to stop even an Indominus Rex in its tracks. Grant bares no bod, and frankly, we can be grateful for that.
Malcolm bod.