#44: Armageddon: Michael Bay Hates Liberals!

Your daily life is simple.  It is idealistic.  Your values are strong and your morals are sound.  There is no reason, you think, that you and everything you know should be wiped out in a matter of seconds.  Too fucking bad asshole.  You're going to die!

UNLESS!

Here's Bruce Willis (aka Michael Bay) hitting golf balls at liberals

Harry Stamper was just a blue-collar oil driller.  He was smart, damn good at his job, and absolutely hated liberals of every kind.  He had a rag-tag team of strong Duncans and smart Wilsons.  All he wanted in his life was to run his rig, care for his daughter, and push his conservative agenda.  Too fucking bad asshole.  You're going to save the world!

Armageddon is a baffling film.  It is horribly written, way to long, and espouses a stringent form of conservative ideology that exists in the realm of nostalgia-worship.  When an asteroid the "size of Texas" is headed toward your home, you suddenly realize that the ways things used to be seem a lot more appealing than the ways they are going to be.  Catch our drift?  Michael Bay basically said earth represents conservative values and the asteroid represents liberal values.

Sean and Matt attempt to drill to the core of this movie, a movie that has so much that can be said about it that it is almost impossible to say anything at all about it.  A true anomaly of a film.

Michael Baby with his toy

At the core of this film is not a nuclear bomb, it is Michael Bay.  Actually, Michael Bay basically is a nuclear bomb in that both cause destruction and their proliferations are a question of morality.  The Man-child, Michael Bay, becomes a strong point of discussion in this Snob.  As always, Sean and Matt consider his intention, maturity, and whether he has absorbed the person of Jerry Bruckheimer.  (It is quite possible Michael Bay keeps Jerry Bruckheimer in a cage in his Ford Mustang garage, only letting Jerry out occasionally to do movie promotions.  To reference a film with much deeper themes, Jerry Bruckheimer is basically Michael Baby's Manchurian Candidate).

If there is a redeeming light in this particular Snob, it is the brief reference to our personal friend, Jake Busey.  Aside from that, another triumph is when Sean and Matt realize they never have to watch this shit-film (probably scheizefilmische) ever again.  The truth of Being-Toward-Explosion (Sein Zum Explosion (yes, the English and German are the same)), remains O so real! Non-American directors seek to highlight profound questions in their action movies whereas American directors seek to highlight their sweet space suits. 

Strap in, fight your space dimentia, and load your mini gun. We got somethin' big coming up. Zero Barrier!

Fuck you!

#43: Rogue One: Queer Theory and the Rise of Darth Boyega

Welcome Snobs!  Are you one with the Force?  Is the Force with you?  Speaking of the Force, are your midichlorians high?  Are they through the roof?  Are you a potential Darth?  If you answered Yes to any of these questions, you MUST listen to this Snob.

Chirrut, who might be gay. 

Chirrut, who might be gay. 

Rogue One is a movie about a space ship. But that's not all! It's also about an orphan girl who dies, her friend (with whom you think she might have a romantic connection) who dies, a guy named Saw, and a blind man who dies. Sorry Listener, we have spoiled the film! But alas, if you listen to this episode, you shall discover more than you ever could!

Sean and Matt are joined by friend and fellow Snob, Adam. Adam is a librarian and brings to the Snobbing table a sense of the value of information and textual interpretation. He also brings his knowledge about Queer interpretation of characters in Star Wars, which takes our Snobs on an intellectual endeavor stronger than the Force. Finally, Adam brings a general dislike of John Boyega.

Taking place just before Episode 4, Rogue One is a movie about Saw. Just kidding, it's about the Death Star, a really big ball that can blow up cities, even planests, even robot men named Saw. 

Jyn (Martini) Erso and her band of misfits and Force Fanboys must discover and transmit secret plans about the Death Ball to the Rebel Alliance so that the evil Darth Jake Lloyd can later be defeated.

Darth Boyega

Darth Boyega

Join these three Snobs as they appreciate aspects of Rogue One, including that the main characters died, that Forrest Whittaker's name is Saw, and that the blind Force Fanboy is likely gay.

From the looks of it, there can never be a Rogue Two.  It is a plot impossibility.  But as we have learned, nothing is impossible with Disney, especially when hundreds of millions of dollars serve as motivation.

 

 

1: Intro of our guest

3:30: Rogue One

45: Gay Chirrut 

49:30 : John Boyega/Finn/Poe

1:05: CGI Tarkin

1:23: Darth Plageius , and Reddit “Place”

1:30: The elaborate hoax of Boyega and the unspoken truth of Darth Maul 

1:32: Star Wars as a Christian allegory

1:45: Final thoughts on Boyega and his potential gayness

1:48: Darth Vader’s BDSM 

1:53: Is Disney the evil Empire? 

#42: Fate of the Furious: 2 General 2 Snobbery

Image created by Sean Wolahan, artist extraordinaire. 

“Dude, did you see the new Fast and Furious movie?” 

“Yeah dude. It was so dope.” 

“So dope man. Remember when that car blew up?” 

“Oh yeah. I remember that. Remember when the Rock kicked those guys’ asses?”

“Yeah dude. Or how about when Vin Diesel growled at that woman?”

“Yeah. And those Russian nukes? And that seemingly unconnected submarine?”

“That was my favorite part!”

“Man. I hope they make these movies forever.” 

And chances are, listener, they will. For if the eighth installment of this most unlikely of franchises, entitled The Fate of the Furious, has set a record for biggest international opening weekend. Wow! It even beat The Force Awakens, and that had Boyega in it! There is no Boyega in sight here, but there is Ludacris, and Tyrese, and Kurt Russell, and Michelle Rodriguez, and even Mark Sinclair. 

Mark Sinclair

On today’s Fate of the Furious episode, we are joined by four special guests, four young men who have been taught by the snob known in this episode as “Mr. Sean”. These four gentlemen—Connor Aguilar, Philip Brain, Ethan Fetters, and Sean Wolahan—endeavor nobly down the path of snobbery, inciting great linguistic potentiality in order to properly deconstruct and digest this massacre of a film. Is it worth seeing? Well, that depends on who you are asking. But apparently most people would say yes, cause it has made over a billion dollars. 

In an era of film franchises, when the Marvel Universe threatens to take over the actual universe, let us be filled with joy that a franchise about cars and explosions has somehow risen to the top. Actually, that’s probably not a reasonable source of joy. But then again, there is a two minute scene where Tyrese is dragged across an icy lake at hundreds of miles an hour. Yay Capitalism! 

Enjoy this snob, listener, where these four honorable young lads carry the torch through this dark and massively confusing film, endeavoring on the noble path of trying to describe what in the hell it is about. For should they succeed, then we will all learn how to make a billion dollars in today’s wild world. 

Good day, dear listener.