What Jurassic World 3 Better Be About

The Jurassic Park (and World) franchise has inspired children since the early 1990s.  It has also excelled in crafting stories that raise questions of ethics — in particular, in what ways should humanity manipulate the natural world?  From cloning dinosaurs to cloning children, the JP/W movies have run the gamut. And yet, they are (more than likely) not done. Since each film rakes in almost a bill, more will be made.  Next up, JW3...

Here are TEN things that better be in Jurassic World 3.  Or else!

1) Title

With the end of JW2 making it perfectly clear that dinosaurs will be killing a lot of humans in the next Jurassic World, there are a lot of great possible titles.  Such as, Jurassic World: Extinction, Jurassic World: Termination, Jurassic World: Terminator, Jurassic World: Dead People, Jurassic World: Screaming Humans, Jurassic World: That Orphan Clone Destroyed Humanity.  So, those are some options. One of those BETTER be the title. Or else!

2) Chris Pratt Running

By far, the best thing about the Jurassic World movies has been the times Pratt runs.  He’s a good runner with good form. Extended fingers, straight back. Much like Gump himself.  JW3 needs some PR (Pratt Running).

3) More Clone Girls

The most mysterious part of that bad movie Fallen Kingdom, was the revelation that that sad little orphan girl (whose actions will destroy humanity) is a clone.  If JW3 has any hope at all, it has to dive headlong into the whole human cloning thing. Hey, maybe they could call it Jurassic World: Clone Wars. Jar Jar could make an appearance Ani.

4) Jar Jar Binks

On second thought, JW3 better have Jar Jar Binks in it.  Truly, what would be the harm?

Binks

5) Raze Tillman

Every Jurassic Park/World movie has some bad character who puts profit above human or dinosaur life.  Why should JW3 be any different? The villain in JW3 should be a tough, one-eyed, female, Iraq War vet named Raze Tillman.  Here’s the kicker...Raze can communicate with raptors and teams up with them to kill humans. Also, Raze should have a sidekick named…

6) Bloss

Bloss is a small, nerdy, sadistic Dutchman.  He developed the raptor communication device Raze uses.  He likes to torture dinosaurs, so it’s totally acceptable when we see a raptor bite off his penis around an hour and 59 minutes into the movie.

7) Tex

Bryce Dallas and Pratt finally have a kid.  This kid will be the one the prophecy foretold would save humanity from extinction.  Born in a cave, his name is Tex, in honor of his mother’s real name, Bryce Dallas Howard.  Maybe his name is Tex Ron, in honor of his grandpa too.

8) Male Nudity  

What’s wrong with a little manbutt?  Pratt butt?

9) Narrator

No JP or JW film has had a narrator.  This one should have one. It should be Sam Neill and the narration should just be him explaining why he hates children.  He was right, by the way. The only child in the awful movie Fallen Kingdom destroyed humanity.

10) Kentucky Colonel

As an homage to John Hammond, JW3 should “spare no expense” and buy the rights to the Kentucky Colonel, who should be a prominent character in the film.  He should help save the day by capturing dinosaurs. But in JW4, we learn that he wants to open a new chain of restaurant that serves Kentucky Fried Dino (KCD).  So really, he’s kind of a bad guy.

Well, that’s all.  Those are the ten things that better be in Jurassic World: Clone Wars.  Or else! Any movie series that has five sequels or spin offs has already resigned itself to be utterly ridiculous.  If JW3 has any hope of being good, it will just lean in to the ridiculous factor, take my dumb suggestions that I thought up, and make a solid billion.  Maybe later they can do a spin off with Jar Jar, the Colonel, and penisless Bloss.