How To Become A Life Coach!
10 Steps To Having The Career You Just Realized You’ve Always Wanted
“Leap into the unknown. Jump to your potential. Good vibes only. Purple sky.”
In the last five or ten years, the world has seen the rise of a new occupation. I’m talking, of course, about the life coach.
While traces of the life coach can arguably be dated back to the Atlantean age, it was not until the social media platform Instagram had sufficiently addicted the Anthropocene epoch that life coaches reached their true potential. Now, there are more life coaches out there than anyone can track, and if you’re like me, you often find yourself asking, “How did this person become a life coach?” and “What training was required for them to coach strangers on how to live their lives?”
I am happy to inform you that you don’t need any training at all! In fact, if you desire it strongly enough, you can become a life coach right now! All it takes is following these 10 simple steps, and in no time at all, you’ll find yourself getting paid the big bucks to convince people they can be as awesome as you are, as long as they fork over a lot of cash.
Step 1: Get Rid Of All Shame
If you want to be a successful life coach, you better not feel shame about yourself. Otherwise, that shame will forever get in the way of reaching your true life coaching potential.
Shame is the emotion that you feel when you make an Instagram post about how awesome your life is, when deep down you know it’s actually not nearly that awesome. Shame is the emotion you feel when that post gets way less likes than the one before. Can you see why you need to get rid of this unhelpful emotion?
To be a successful life coach, you will have to post pictures to Instagram often. If you feel deeply ashamed each time you do, you will not have the energy to reply to comments, or to photograph yourself meditating, or to search the Web for inspirational quotes that other people said. Since these are all essential ingredients for life coach success, you better not let shame get in your way!
If you’re struggling with shame, the best thing you can do is to deny it until it goes away. Life coaches are great at teaching people how to deny unpleasant emotions, so you might as well start practicing! Just keep repeating things like “Good vibes only,” and “Focus on the positive, always!” Then, your shame will magically go away. And if it doesn’t, try harder!
Here’s a nice effective image in the life coach style. What do you think the ambiguous asterisk after “Joy” means? Let us know in the comments.
Once you get rid of all your shame, you will be ready for the next step…
Step 2: Convince Yourself You Have A Right To Do This
Once you’ve gotten rid of all your shame, the next step is to convince yourself that you have a right to coach people on how to live their lives. This can be tricky, since you did not get any formal or complex education to do this. I mean, it’s not like you’re a therapist, where you have to go to school for years and gain thousands of clinical hours to help people better their lives! You just decided to be a life coach, and that’s that!
So, in order to be as effective as you need to be to get tens of thousands of followers on Instagram, you have to truly believe you are qualified to do this. For some people, especially chronic narcissists, this step comes naturally. For others, it takes disciplined practice.
You may experience doubts. You may have a rational response that you should probably get some formal training to occupy such a role. You must learn to eliminate all such doubts and rational responses. Otherwise, you will never become more than a second-tier life coach, which will end up bringing you more shame than you have ever known possible. And that would suck!
How, then, do you convince yourself you have a right to do this? First, meditate on the phrase, “I have the right to do anything I want to do.” Next, meditate on the phrase, “You do you, and I do me.” Finally, buy a journal, sit down at a desk, and write the sentence, “I am the center of the universe” over and over until the entire journal is full.
Repeat these three steps until you are convinced past any point of doubt that you have a right to make people pay you to coach them on how to live their lives.
“I am the center of the Universe… The world revolves around me… I am the most important person ever to live… I am the center of all that was, is, and ever shall be… Namaste.”
Step 3: Buy Instagram Followers
Before you announce to the world that you are a life coach, you have to have at least 10k Instagram followers. Otherwise, people will think you are a joke, and you will never escape that shadow. Since you probably aren’t interesting or hot enough to get 10k followers on your own, all you have to do is buy them.
If you have a little more money to spend, you can also pay these followers to like and comment on your posts. This is ideal, because if you have a lot of followers and don’t get many likes or comments, people will start to see through your facade. Then they won’t think you’re legit, and your career as a life coach will be over.
This is a step where it’s worth investing a bit of cash. You really want to think about the type of followers you want to buy. Don’t just go with the cheapest option. Those bought followers are cheap for a reason. You probably don’t have to get the most expensive option either, at least right out of the gates. A nice mid-tier follower package will be enough to get you the attention you need to compel people into thinking they should follow you because so many other people do. And for the life coach, that kind of manipulation is the name of the game!
Just begin. It’s really that simple! What are you waiting for? Go buy your followers right now!
Step 4: Compile Inspirational Pictures and Quotes Other People Said
Let’s be honest here: if you’re starting out as a life coach, people aren’t going to follow you because of you. They are going to follow you because of who you project yourself to be. A crucial way to project an image that other people will respond to is to post pictures other people took and decorate them with quotes other people said.
In choosing a picture, you have to be smart. You should not just pick the first picture you find on Google images. There can be real legal consequences to using other people’s pictures, and when you become a really famous life coach, all them haters are gonna wanna bring you down! Make sure to use pictures that are in the public domain. If you find other ways around these legal concerns, send us an email so we can do it too.
It is important not simply to choose the first quotes you find in your searches. Spend at least five minutes reading quotes before choosing one. You can start by Googling, “Inspirational quotes.” From there, start making a list of the names of people who said them. Then, you can take it to the next level by Googling that person’s name, followed by the word “quotes.”
Using quotes by another person can also be an effective way to “virtue signal” while acting like it’s not really you who’s virtue signaling.
It’s important also to learn a little bit about the person who said the quote. By a little, I mean just enough to make sure that people don’t hate that person. For instance, if you were a life coach two years ago, you could post a quote by J.K. Rowling and get a lot of likes. Now, if you post a quote by J.K. Rowling, you will be seen as a hater, because people hate her now.
On that note, it’s super important to stay up to date about which celebrities and icons the social media masses have spontaneously decided to hate. This includes dead celebrities, such as John Wayne. Also, if you’re white, use a lot of discernment if you use a quote from a person of a different race or ethnic background than you. In fact, you probably just shouldn’t do that at all, because you don’t want to be accused of appropriation. Which brings us to our next step…
Step 5: Convince Everyone You’re Woke As Fuck
The term “woke” means that you are very aware of the struggles of people from different backgrounds than yourself. If you’re white, don’t concern yourself about the fact that this term originated in African-American vernacular and therefore using it is more or less committing the same appropriation that woke people are constantly calling other people out on. Woke is currently an accepted term by the people most ready to accuse and vilify other people, so you’re in the clear.
Convincing everyone you’re woke as fuck is more simple than it might seem. You mostly just have to regularly post your support of any political movement that woke people support and stand up against any political movement that woke people point to as the problem. By “stand up against,” I don’t mean you have to take any physical action. As long as you post consistently and effectively and pressure other people to post too, you don’t even have to leave your chair!
An added benefit to convincing people that you are woke is that other woke life coaches will then start re-posting your posts. This will get you more followers, which will get you more visibility when you start selling your services. Since this is the ultimate goal of your career as a life coach, then there’s no reason not to project yourself as woke as fuck right now!
Sometimes, the quotes you use don’t even have to make sense. In fact, it’s often better that they don’t, because then people might think they are profound.
Step 6: Master The Art Of Humble Bragging
This is one of the more complex steps of your path to becoming a life coach. While it may seem simple on the surface, a true master of the humble brag is a true master of manipulation, which is ultimately the prima materia of the successful life coach.
Simply put, humble bragging is bragging about something while disguising it as humility. People don’t like braggers — unless, of course, you’re really famous, but you’re not, so who cares! When people think you are humble, they will tell their friends things like, “He’s just such a good person,” or, “She’s just so down to earth.” Then, their friends will think you’re awesome and follow you as well.
As a life coach, you will have to share your accomplishments. Otherwise, people won’t take you seriously. When you share them, make sure you don’t come across as if you are taking credit for those accomplishments. For instance, when you get 50k Instagram followers, you can post something like, “Wow, who woulda thought such a simpleton like me would get so lucky?” You might add a little “#grateful” for good measure. That way, everyone now knows you have 50k followers, and they also think you’re very humble about it.
A nice photo at the edge of a cliff can be a great way to make people think you are both humble and awesome. The ambiguous point-into-the-distance is always a nice touch. And if the photo is from far enough away, it doesn’t even have to be of you!
It’s best to practice humble bragging with friends and strangers before posting your humble brags, because a failed humble brag can be disastrous. You must master the art before implementing it. If it takes a few weeks, it’s worth the wait, because the amount of followers you get in return will make you a lot richer in the long run.
Step 7: Write An Ebook That Paraphrases Things Other People Have Already Written
This might seem similar to Step 4. However, it’s extremely different, because in your ebook, your job is to convince your readers that everything they are reading comes from your brain and yours alone.
It can be helpful to include some of your favorite quotes from other people at the beginning of chapters. Then, your readers will think you are both smart and cultured, which will help establish trust. If you can’t manipulate your followers into thinking you are trustworthy, you might as well abandon this career path entirely.
Good vibes only. All other vibes can get the fuck out!
But don’t worry! You don’t actually have to come up with original ideas. In fact, it’s better that you don’t, because that takes a lot more time. What you should do is skim ten or so ebooks that other life coaches have self-published, use the exact same format they use, and then write your own version of the same content. As long as the content is about how this book will help its readers live better lives, then it’s going to sell, especially if you act all humble about it.
While this isn’t a requirement, it can be helpful to be funny. Some Amazon reviews of life coach books criticize the author for being too dry. Bringing a little style and humor to your sentences can pay huge dividends in convincing people you are awesome. If you sprinkle in some self-deprecating humor, then you check that humility box, and you’re killing two birds with one stone. And we all know life coaches are happy to kill as many birds as it takes to get famous!
Step 8: Make A Website With Squarespace
No web development skills? No problem! With Squarespace, you can make a beautiful website without any skill at all. (Hey Squarespace, are you gonna pay us for that plug?)
For your domain name, make sure to use your actual name. People need to know this is all about YOU, but you can’t say that outright, or they won’t think you’re humble. Choose calm and inviting colors, and use a lot of pretty pictures. Write an “About Me” section full of humble brags, and include at least one photo of yourself acting like you don’t have any knowledge the photo is being taken.
A nice natural-looking photo like this one can be a great way to show your followers how awesome you are.
Effective poses include: meditating on the edge of a cliff; standing in tree pose in a forest; laughing while wearing a sun hat; doing a handstand; or sitting at a wooden table with a cup of artisan coffee and a Macbook Pro. Big plus if you are in an exotic location, such as the Peruvian Amazon. Which brings us to our next step...
Step 9: Mention Your Ayahuasca Vision Quest
A key way to get a HUGE bump in followers (aka PROFIT!) is to mention your ayahuasca vision quest. If you went to Peru for this vision quest, make sure you let people know that. If you took ayahuasca in your hometown of Cleveland, definitely don’t mention that. Simply make reference to your ayahuasca vision quest, and post a public domain photo of a foreign-looking jungle to give the impression you traveled there. You can also include a photo of a jaguar staring intensely.
While you definitely want to make it VERY visible that you did ayahuasca, you don’t want to include too much about it. On the one hand, this could come off as bragging. On the other, you want people to be intrigued by your ayahuasca vision quest, so much so that they feel compelled to follow you in order to learn more about how awesome and mysterious you are.
When you mention your ayahuasca experience, be sure to do so humbly. You can certainly indicate that it was “life-changing” and helped you “understand your purpose” and “take life to the next level,” but don’t be too explicit about the fact that you also think it makes you more enlightened than everyone else. You want to suggest that it makes you better than everyone else without explicitly saying it. That way, people will subconsciously realize you’re wiser than them, and thereby seek your counsel and guidance.
Here’s a nice jaguar photo. To enhance the effect, you might include a quote like, “I awaken the power within me,” or, “Jaguar, son of T’Challa, pray for us.”
If you leverage this effectively enough, you can even start charging people thousands of dollars for their own ayahuasca vision quest, and because it’s ayahuasca, the woke people won’t even call you out for appropriating the ancient medicine that you know nothing about! It’s a real win-win!
Step 10: Launch Your Totally Awesome And Super Humble Optimization Program
Once you have mastered the first nine steps, you are finally ready for the tenth and final step: to launch your kick butt human optimization program!
This is where you take everything you wrote in your ebook and turn it into a really expensive course. For this course, you will need to make at least eight “modules.” Each module must stand on its own, so that you can separate them into weekly offerings. That way, people will think they are getting more value than they would if all your content was delivered over a couple of days. It doesn’t matter that it easily could be delivered in a few days. An eight week course is way more valuable than a three-day one!
When you list your price on your Squarespace website, make sure that you also list a higher price with an “X” through it. This is how you convince people that they are getting a really good deal by buying your course right away. Tell them there is no time to waste, because the course is filling up quickly. Create an arbitrary cap to how many people can enroll at a time, and be very willing to expand that cap the second that more people want to enroll.
When in doubt, a nice photo of hands typing on a Macbook Pro can conjure a sense of productivity, which people often think they need coaching on.
To create a truly successful optimization course, try to involve other prominent life coaches. At the very least, get them to write a blurb about how awesome your program is. It’s very worth paying them a little bit to do this. The more life coaches you have involved, the more people will think you are super legit and humble, because they’ll think it’s about the content, and not about you — even though of course it is!
If you want to take your life coaching platform to its apotheosis, however, you will have to build a whole new course: a course that trains people to become life coaches! Since none of these courses have any real respectable accreditation body, you don’t have to worry about legal ramifications or anything. You can just call it a “Certificate Course,” and you can pay someone to create an official-looking document that you, the super awesome and influential life coach, sign and ship to them upon their completion of the modules. Then they’ll frame it, take a picture, and tag you on Instagram, sending even more followers your way.
Once you establish your life coach training course, you will be unstoppable. Most people who do your course won’t get anywhere, but the few that do will have you to thank. Then, they will humble brag about themselves by telling their followers how grateful they are for you, who showed them the way. Their followers will then follow you, and take your course, and you will get to sit back and enjoy the super awesome life that thousands of sad and lonely people will keep paying you to help them live, too.
Conclusion
There you have it. If you follow those ten easy steps, you will become the life coach that you have dreamed about becoming ever since you realized you don’t want to work hard or go to school for any specialized trade.
When you do get rich and famous from these steps, I hope that you remember that you only did because of this post. That way, you can humble brag by referring people to me, and tell them all that you owe everything you’ve ever accomplished to this post. I also expect you to pay me a lot of money, and if you don’t, I’m going to slander you to the woke people and you will be smashed.
In the meantime, I wish you love and light in your quest to become an Enlightened sage of Instagram. May you bathe in an endless flow of cash that symbolically represents the collective desperation you are so happy and enthused to exploit.
“May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the trees of the forest sing the hymns of your Divine Soul. May everyone realize how awesome I am.”